Scene One: King Oph’s Palace
Fairies can be heard chanting off stage
FAIRIES: Play un-fair! Play un-fair! Play un-fair! Play un-fair! (fairies enter, marching; they are carrying picket signs, some reading “Be Fair to Fairies!”, “Fairies Always Play Fair!” and “IUF Local 357 On Strike”; they form a ring and march around it, chanting; Denizen rushes on, angry and confused)
DENIZEN: What’s going on here?!
ELMYR: We’re on strike, that’s what’s going on here! (Fairies shout their approval)
DENIZEN: On strike?! What do you mean you’re on strike?
MAPLE: We mean this play isn’t going anywhere until the demands of the IUF are met!
FAIRIES: Eye You Eff! Eye You Eff! Eye You Eff! (Denizen waves her arms to silence them)
DENIZEN: The IUF? So what’s the IUF?
OAKLEY: The International Union of Fairies!!!
DENIZEN: (softly, aside) Oh, good grief! They’ve unionized!!! (to fairies) Come on, guys! This is silly! What could fairies possibly have to strike about?
PINEY: This play, for one thing! (fairies shout their approval, waving their picket signs)
DENIZEN: (stunned) The play??? What’s wrong with the play?
CEDARINE: What’s wrong with the play?????!!!!
ELMYR: EVERYTHING’S wrong with it! (fairies shout in agreement and wave their signs; Denizen forms a tee with her hands)
DENIZEN: Hold it! Hold it! (fairies settle down) What do you mean by “everything?”
BBRAIN: Well, just look at these stupid names we’ve got! (points each one out as she says their names, ending with herself) Maia, Oakley, Piney, Maple, Elmyr, Cedarine and Birdbrain! What kind of a name is “Birdbrain” for a fairy?!!!
DENIZEN: But........but you are a birdbrain.
BBRAIN: (crestfallen) Oh, yeah.......
MAIA:(still angry) And that’s not all! We’ve had a look through the script, and we don’t have any lines at all! (fairies shout their agreement)
DENIZEN: Now come on! You get to do a nice Fairy Dance in the wedding scene!
FAIRIES: (chanting) Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! (Denizen shakes her finger at them)
DENIZEN: Now you stop that right now, or you’re all going to bed without any supper! (Fairies stick their tongues out at her and start marching again)
FAIRIES: Play un-fair! Play un-fair! Play un-fair! Play un-fair! (Denizen rolls her eyes and throws up her hands; Snow enters; Fairies continue marching, but chant in whispers)
SNOW: (worried) What’s going on, Denizen?
DENIZEN: (sarcastic) Oh, nothing, really! Just a little strike, that’s all!
SNOW: Goodness! What’s the matter?
DENIZEN: It seems the fairies are upset over not having any lines in the play.
SNOW: Oh, the poor dears! Couldn’t you give them something to say?
DENIZEN: Now, you know I can’t do that!
SNOW: (pleading) Just a little word or two each?
DENIZEN: (firmly) Snow, I’d do that if I could, but you know perfectly well I can only go by what’s in the script. And if there aren’t any lines for them in the script, then they just don’t get any lines. (Snow wilts disconsolately; after a moment she perks up and smiles cheerfully)
SNOW: Oh! I know! Have any of them said anything yet?
DENIZEN: Yeah. All of them.
SNOW: Well, why can’t those be their lines? You can write them into the script when Mr. Marino isn’t looking!
DENIZEN: (thinking quickly) Hmmmm! You know, that just might work! (decides) Maia! (Fairies stop marching and chanting)
DENIZEN: I think we’ve got a solution here! What do you say to this strike bit being your lines, and I’ll write them into the script later, when Mr. Marino isn’t looking? (fairies close into a huddle at once and mutter; then they turn back to Denizen)
MAIA: Ya got a deal! (Fairies toss aside their picket signs and start to exit; Denizen clears her throat sternly; fairies look at her and she points toward the backdrop; a Janitorial Fairy enters and holds up a sign; Maia reads it out loud) Your mother does not work in this Forest. Don’t litter! (Fairies all moan in embarrassment, pick up their signs and exit; Janitorial Fairy exits; Denizen wipes her forehead)
DENIZEN: Whew! That was a close one! Thanks a lot, Snow!
SNOW: (modestly) It was nothing! (starts to exit)
DENIZEN: Well....as long as you’re here, why don’t we introduce you? (Snow turns back) Folks, this is Snow White. Snow, why don’t you tell us something about yourself?
SNOW: (giggles nervously) Well.....I’m a princess......I’m a Girl Scout, too.
DENIZEN: That’s nice. Have you earned many merit badges?
SNOW: (shrugs) A few. Only six thousand.
DENIZEN: Really? And how long have you been a Scout?
SNOW: About a year.
DENIZEN: I see.......and what can you tell us about your family?
SNOW: Well......my Daddy’s King Oph.
DENIZEN: (mugging for the audience) As is “Off White”........?
SNOW: Yes, that’s right.
DENIZEN: Let me see....he’s a widower, isn’t he?
SNOW: No, not any more. Well, I mean, he was a widower, but he got married again recently. (Piyoo enters, hauling the Mirror after her; she sets it up just right of Upstage Center and begins brushing her hair)
DENIZEN: (interested) Really? Who did he marry?
SNOW: Piyoo Smelawful.
DENIZEN: Hmmm.......what’s she like?
SNOW: Well......I don’t really know her that well. She’s awfully busy.
SNOW: Yes. Every time I go to see her, she throws things at me and tells me to get lost, or go drown myself. (laughs) What a great sense of humor!
DENIZEN: (dryly) Yeah, I’ll say. Sounds like she’s a card carrying member of the Stepmothers Union.
SNOW: Not really. I understand the dues are awfully expensive, but she sure tries to uphold the standard.
PIYOO: Mirror, Mirror, off the wall! Who’s the fairest one of all?
MIRROR: (speaks in a dull, droning monotone) Well.......I guess it depends on how you define the word “fair.” (Piyoo drags her hand over her face in frustration) You know, like there’s fair as in “fair-haired,” and fair as in “fair weather,” and fair as in judgement, and fair as in beautiful, and fair as in---.......
PIYOO: As in beautiful!!! Fair as in beautiful!!!!
MIRROR: Hmmmmmmm.......Do you mean beautiful as in---.....
PIYOO: (frantic) As in good looking!!!!
MIRROR: Hmmmmm..........Well, then........I guess it all depends on what you consider good looking. You know, like if you’re an aardvark? It’s whoever has the longest nose and the stickiest tongue.....
PIYOO: (seething) Mirror......!!!
MIRROR: Or if you’re a frog........with them it’s whoever has the slimiest skin, the widest mouth and the goggliest eyes.........
PIYOO: (screams) Mirror!!!!!
MIRROR: (after a pause) I’m not bothering you, am I? I’d hate to thing I was bothering you.
PIYOO: (through clenched teeth) Look, Mirror.......
MIRROR: It’s just that I get so bored just hanging around all the time. Never going anywhere, never seeing anyone.......
PIYOO: Will you just answer the question awready!!!!!!!
MIRROR: (pause) Hmmmmmm.........what question? (Piyoo snarls and starts chewing her hair)
DENIZEN: (shaking her head) She looks pretty frustrated.
SNOW: Yes, she is. I’d better go see if I can cheer her up. (skips happily to Piyoo) Hi, Mom! (Piyoo looks daggers at her)
PIYOO: You again! Haven’t you got anyone else to annoy? (Snow smiles brightly)
SNOW: Gee, Mom! I don’t annoy anyone!
PIYOO: Wanna bet?!!
SNOW: I noticed you were have a problem with your mirror, and I wondered if I could help?
PIYOO: You wanna help? Go jump off the high tower and tell me how long it takes you to get to the ground! (Snow laughs delightedly)
SNOW: Aw, Mom! You just say the funniest things!!!! (crosses to Mirror) Hi, Mirror!
MIRROR: (as dull as ever) Oh.....hello Snow.
SNOW: What’s new?
MIRROR: Not much........I got polished this morning.
SNOW: You do look all bright and shiny. (giggles) I’ll bet it tickled!
MIRROR: Yes. It did.
PIYOO: Look! Don’t you have a merit bade to earn or something?
SNOW: Yes, I do. In fact, I earned six more yesterday! But I thought I’d stop in and do my good deed first. (smiles sweetly, then turns back to the Mirror and continues chatting in mime; Piyoo crosses to Denizen)
PIYOO: Y’know.......it’s not bad enough I have to have an existential mirror! I have to get saddled with a kid who’s so sweet she drips honey all over the place!!!
DENIZEN: A lot of people would be delighted to have such a sweet, adorable child for a stepdaughter.
PIYOO: Oh yeah? Well, a lotta people enjoy undergoing root canal!
SNOW: (aloud) Now, Mirror, I think what my Mom wants to know is who’s the fairest person in the world; that’s fair as in physically beautiful, by human standards, especially as they’re measured in this kingdom. Okay?
PIYOO: (beside herself) Would you look at that!!! She actually gets along with that stupid mirror!!!
MIRROR: Ohhh.......that’s easy. You are.
SNOW: Thanks, Mirror! (skips happily to Piyoo) Did you hear that, Mom?
PIYOO: Did I EVER!!!!!!!!
SNOW: (sweetly) You just have to sympathize with him a little. It gets so boring for him, just hanging around all the time; never going anywhere, never seeing anyone....well, except for you, of course. Do you think maybe I could take him for a walk later? (Piyoo sputters in incoherent rage) Oops! Gotta go! I have to take a group of orphans out for ice cream! See ya! (exits cheerfully)
PIYOO: (still sputtering) This.....is....the...last....straw!!!!! I can take her being cheerful all the time! I can take her being nice to everyone! I can even take her getting along with that frishin’ frackin’ mirror! But if she thinks she can get away with bein’ better looking that ME, she’s got another think COMIN’!!!!!
DENIZEN: Oh, come on, now! Don’t you think you’re over-reacting just a little? After all, he’s only a mirror! What does HE know?
PIYOO: No, I DON’T think I’m over-reacting!!! I’m gonna settle accounts with that little........that little....ummm.........
PIYOO: (grimaces) Yeah! Sweetheart! I’m gonna settle accounts with her once and for all! (shouts) Huntsman!!!! (Huntsman enters at once and bows deeply, doffing his cap)
HUNT: Yes, my Queen?
PIYOO: (eyeing him coldly) Huntsman, I want you to take the Princess Snow on a little hunting expedition.
HUNT: (chuckles) Oh, no, my Queen! That wouldn’t do at all! I’ve taken the Princess hunting many times, and the dear child always tries to save the beasts before I can shoot them! Might I recommend........?
PIYOO: No, you may NOT recommend! I am the Queen, and if anyone is going to recommend anything, it will be ME!
HUNT: Yes, my Queen.
PIYOO: That’s more like it. A hunting trip it shall be! But, t’will be a hunting trip with a difference! On this trip, thou’ll hunt no beast.....but the princess!
HUNT: (horrified) The......the Princess????!!!!
PIYOO: Yes!!!! The Princess!!! Take her you to the deepest, darkest part of the forest, and there will you kill her!!!!
HUNT: KILL HER??????!!!!
PIYOO: Yes!!! Kill her!!! And when she is dead, you must cut out her---........
HUNT: I can’t do THAT!!!!!!
PIYOO: WHAT?!!!! You dare to defy me?!!! I am the Queen! How dare you say no to me?
HUNT: (in a noble tone) My Queen! This is a family show! How would the audience react were I to slay such a sweet, innocent creature as the Princess Snow? (gestures) What would the Denizen say?
DENIZEN: Yeah! What would I say, smarty skirts?
PIYOO: But....but......how ELSE can I be rid of her? She’s so sweet and kind and innocent, she makes me SICK!!!!!
DENIZEN: Well.......maybe if the Huntsman just took her into the woods and deserted her there? (Huntsman nods)
PIYOO: Abandon her? What kind of foolish plan is that? What if she found her way back?
DENIZEN: Back, schmack! That kid’s gotten lost in her own closet!
HUNT: In her CLOSET??????
DENIZEN: (shrugs) It’s a big closet. Look, take my word for it. It’s a good plan. It’s imaginative without getting gory, it’s scary without being terrifying, and it leaves the door open for a nice happy ending.
PIYOO: (shudders) Oooough! I HATE happy endings! They’re so.............sappy!!!!
DENIZEN: I know what you mean, but the audiences seem to like them.
PIYOO: (thinks hard a minute) Hmmmm......to tell the truth, I’ve never had much imagination for this sort of thing......it’s so much easier just to kill people.....(decides) Okay. She gets lost in the woods, chance for a happy ending. (laughs suddenly) Hey! Maybe she’ll get eaten by a bear or something! That WOULD be a happy ending! (serious) But it’s got to be NOW! (to Huntsman) Move it! (Huntsman bows)
HUNT: At once, my Queen! (exits stage left; Piyoo exits stage right; a moment later, Huntsman enters again, leading Snow by the hand)
SNOW: (cheerfully excited) Oh boy! I’ve never been camping in the woods before! I’ll bet I really rack up the merit badges on this trip, huh, Huntsman?
HUNT: I’LL say you will!
SNOW: Hot diggidy!!! This is going to be FUN! (they exit stage right)
MIRROR: Call me crazy.......but I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
DENIZEN: Oh, I wouldn’t worry. You know how our plays always turn out!
MIRROR: Yes, I do........that’s what worries me.
SCENE TWO: In the Forest
(Huntsman and Snow enter from stage left)
HUNT: Here’s your campsite, Your Grace!
SNOW: Are you SURE we’re far enough away from the palace here?
HUNT: I’m quite sure, Princess.
SNOW: (pleading) Isn’t there someplace where the bushes are just a little thicker, and the food a little more scarce? If I’m gonna get a survival merit badge out of this, I wanna really EARN it!
HUNT: Princess, if you can survive here, you’ll earn more merit badges than any Girl Scout in history!
SNOW: Oh, goodie! Now off you go!
HUNT: (bows) As you wish, Your Grace! (starts walking toward stage left exit)
SNOW: (waving) Bye-bye! Au revior! See you in.......in........when did you say you’d be back?
HUNT: When Heck freezes over, Your Grace.
SNOW: Oh, yeah! See you then! Bye-bye! (Huntsman exits; Snow shivers happily) Now! To survive! (a long pause) Ummmm.........What do I need to survive?
MIRROR: Lots of luck?
DENIZEN: Now you be quiet! You’re not in this scene!
MIRROR: Sorry. It’s just that I get so bored just hanging around all the time.
DENIZEN: Well, I sympathize, but you really have to be quiet for this part. Now hush.
MIRROR: Well.........consider me hushed, then.
DENIZEN: Thank you.
MIRROR: You’re welcome.
SNOW: Are you two through?
MIRROR: It really depends on what you mean by th---........
DENIZEN: (quickly) Yes! Yes!! We’re all through! Finished! Concluded! Completed! Consummated! Get on with your scene! (a pause; Snow opens her mouth to speak)
MIRROR: I’m not bothering you, am I? (Denizen and Snow roll their eyes) I’d hate to think I was bothering you.
DENIZEN: Stage Hand!!!! (Stage hand enters; Denizen points to the Mirror) Off! (Stage hand takes hold of the Mirror and pulls it off, stage left)
MIRROR: (droning on) It’s just that I get so bored, just hanging around all the time......never going anywhere.....never seeing anyone......all I ever do is just hang around.......(they exit; Denizen sighs with relief)
DENIZEN: You’re on. (Snow visibly gets back into character)
SNOW: Now, let me see.....what do I need to survive? (counts on her fingers) I need food, water and shelter. I think I’ll go for the food first. It’s been forever since breakfast, and I’m one peckish princess!
DENIZEN: Nice alliteration, there.
SNOW: (sweetly) Thank you, Denizen. (her eyes pop with delight) Oh, look! Wild strawberries! (runs to stage right, kneels, and starts stuffing herself) Mmmmm! These are good! (munches a moment) Nice....but not very filling.....(she looks around and her eyes pop again) Ooooh! Wild almonds! (runs to down stage center, gathers some and starts munching) Mmmm! Salted and everything! (looks stage left and gasps) Wild apples!!!! (runs to stage left, picks one and starts eating) Uuuunh! Thisch beatsch the heck out of st’lurb’ries! (swallows and looks offstage) Hot puppies!!!! Now THAT’s what I call GRUB!!!! (exits, and can be heard eating loudly) Mmm! Thisch ish therrific! (chews) Bescht I ever had! (Denizen stares quizzically; Snow chews some more; a pause, then a prolonged slurping noise; Denizen looks at the audience, then back at the stage left exit; Snow enters, daintily dabbing her lips with a hankie) Boy! THAT was good! It sure pays to go for a survival merit badge in an enchanted forest!
DENIZEN: What did you find?
SNOW: (pointing) There’s a fried chicken tree in there.....and right next to it, I found a patch of wild cole slaw, and a lemonade spring! (Piyoo sticks her head out angrily)
PIYOO: Oh, yes! Get her lost in the woods! This is a MUCH better plan than mine!
DENIZEN: Out!!! (Piyoo exits, snarling)
SNOW: (oblivious) Well, that takes care of the food and water.....I guess I’d better look for shelter. (looks around briefly; points suddenly to upstage right) Hey! Is that a gingerbread cottage over there? (crosses to the exit and looks)
DENIZEN: Yes, it is.
SNOW: It looks deserted.
DENIZEN: Yes, she, uhhh.......moved out several plays ago. (Snow exits into the cottage)
SNOW: (offstage) Yuch!!! There’s rancid yogurt fixings everywhere in here! What a mess!
DENIZEN: Yes, she left in rather a hurry, I’m afraid. (Snow enters)
SNOW: Well.......the Girl Scout manual doesn’t say I have to BUILD a shelter, like a lean-to or anything.....it just says I have to FIND shelter. THIS is shelter, isn’t it?
DENIZEN: I’d say so.
SNOW: Jiminy!!! I’ll just spend the night in here, then! And I’ll clean it up while there’s still some daylight left. (turns to exit; stops and turns back; says sweetly) That will be my good deed for the day!
DENIZEN: You’re a good little princess!
SNOW: Thanks, Denizen! Good night! (exits)
DENIZEN: Sleep tight! (Piyoo enters)
PIYOO: Let the bed bugs bite!
DENIZEN: OUT!!!!! (Piyoo exits)
SCENE THREE: In the Forest
DENIZEN: The next morning, little Princess Snow left the gingerbread cottage and went......went........(notices that Snow has not entered on cue; calls) Snow! SNOW!!! (Snow enters sleepily)
SNOW: It can’t be morning already! I just got in there!
DENIZEN: Well, yes, but you have to remember that this is a play, not real life. So we have to skip a lot.
SNOW: You mean I don’t get to sleep.
DENIZEN: Afraid not.
SNOW: (dejected) Phooey. It’s tough being royalty.
DENIZEN: Indeed it is! Now put on a smile, there! Bright eyed, bushy tailed and all that!
SNOW: (yawns) Okay, okay.........(yawns again, stretching; hums and haws, scratches herself, then pops back into her bright, sweet, excited persona) Okay! I’m ready now! (prances happily across the stage)
DENIZEN: Anyway, the Princess Snow went off in search of adventure!
SNOW: Actually, I’m in search of breakfast. There aren’t any bacon and egg trees around here, are there?
SNOW: (shrugs) Oh, well! Doesn’t hurt to ask. (wanders aimlessly a moment, then notices a sign posted far to stage left) What’s this? (crosses to the sign and reads it out loud) The Seven Dwarfs Bed and Breakfast, two miles.........Comfy rooms, low rates.......lost and abandoned royalty welcome.....(to Denizen) Sounds like this is for me, huh?
DENIZEN: I’d say so. (Snow starts walking toward center stage; at the same moment, Reginald and Beanbrain enter from stage right; seeing them, Snow claps her hands in delight)
SNOW: Goodness! Are you the seven dwarfs?
REG: Whatsamatter? Ya can’t count? There’s only two of us!
SNOW: (embarrassed) Gosh, I’m sorry! I only meant......
REG: Ahhh, never mind. Everybody does it. (Snow looks them over critically)
SNOW: Let me guess.........(points to Reginald) You’re Grumpy........(points to Beanbrain) And you must be Dopey!
REG: (grudgingly) Well, I have to admit I AM on the grumpy side, and we’re ALL a little dopey, but that’s just how the play was written. Actually, I’m Reginald, and this is Beanbrain.
BEAN: (bowing) How do you do?
SNOW: (curtseys) I do very well, thank you. How do YOU do?
REG: Nice manners.....you must be a princess.
SNOW: Yes, sir, I am.
REG: And let me guess.......I’ll bet you’re lost?
SNOW: Yes, I am; and abandoned, too!
REG: Well, not to worry! We’ve give you a good deal. I just have to clear it with the boys. (turns and shouts) Hey, guys! C’mon in here! (remaining dwarfs enter running) Fellas, this here is.......is........hey, kid: What’s your name again?
SNOW: Well, I haven’t told you at all yet, but I’m Princess Snow.
LARRY: Any relation to King Oph?
SNOW: Yes, sir! He’s my Daddy!
REG: Okay, fellas......this is Princess Snow, progeny of King Oph. Snow, these are my partners: Harry......
HARRY: (bowing) How do you do?
LARRY: (bowing) How do?
JERRY: (bowing) Chahmed, I’m sure.
TERRY: (bowing) Greetings, fair maiden!
REG: And Wilberforce.
WILB: (waves) Hotcha, Mama!
SNOW: Oh, I’m SO pleased to meet you all! And thank you so MUCH for taking me in!
REG: (coughs importantly) Speaking of which, we’ve got a standard deal for lost and abandoned royalty. I assume you’re without cash?
SNOW: (nods) I’m afraid so. (dwarfs sigh unhappily)
REG: No prob. Here’s the deal: Room and board plus two bucks a week, in exchange for which, you work for us as a maid. Deal?
SNOW: Hmmm! I’ll have to think it over first.
REG: Take your time. (Snow thinks painfully a few seconds)
SNOW: Hmmmmmmmmm.............Sounds fair.
REG: Good! You can start today. (throws an arm around her shoulder and the dwarfs lead her off, stage left) Lemme tell ya, it’s a really good job, too! You only hafta work 29 hours a day, and every hundred years, you get a day off! (they exit; Piyoo enters stage right and crosses to downstage center; sneers directly at the audience)
PIYOO: Ooouuuugh! I’ve had enough of this! “Abandon her in the woods!” “It’s much more imaginative!” “Leave the door open for a nice happy END-ing!” And what happens? She stuffs herself with fried chicken! Sleeps safe and sound in a gingerbread cottage! Gets a job with the seven stupid dwarfs! Well, phooey!!!!! I don’t care WHAT the Denizen says!
I’m gonna kill that rotten kid, family show or NO family show!!!!! (exits angrily)
DENIZEN: That’s what SHE thinks! (gestures)
SCENE FOUR: The Lobby of the Seven Dwarfs B&B
(a loud knocking is heard; Reginald enters from stage right)
REG: I’m coming! I’m coming! (reaches stage left and mimes opening a door; Piyoo enters, wearing a cheap disguise, such as a cape and a fake nose with glasses and a moustache; she is carrying a sack and pulls the Mirror after her; Mirror has a gag in its mouth) Can I help you, there, lady?
PIYOO: (trying badly to disguise her voice) Is this the Seven Dwarfs Bed and Breakfast?
REG: That’s what the sign over the door says.
PIYOO: How nice! Do you have any rooms available?
REG: Sure thing, lady! You got the cash, I got the room! (leads her to stage center, where he hands her a book and a quill pen) Sign here, please. (Piyoo signs carefully and starts to pocket the pen) Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH!!!!!
PIYOO: (smiles with embarrassment) Oops! Sorry, I thought it was complimentary.
REG: No way, Jose. (Piyoo puts the pen in the book and hands it over; Reginald opens the book and looks at her signature) Okay, Miss.........Al-eye-yus?
PIYOO: (helpfully) Alias. Alias Gottasecret.
REG: Yeah....whatever. Hang on, I’ll get someone to help you with your bags. (shouts) MA-AIIID!!! (Snow enters, bright and perky as usual, wearing an apron over her gown and a tiara over her maid’s cap)
SNOW: You called, Mr. Dwarf?
PIYOO: (aside) This may be easier than I thought!
DENIZEN: I wouldn’t count on it!
REG: Snow, this our new guest, Alice.....
REG: Yeah, sure! This is Miss Gottasecret. Take her stuff up to room 13.
DENIZEN: An ominous number, huh?
DENIZEN: (shakes her head, smiling innocently) Nothing! (Reginald grunts and turns back to Snow)
REG: Get a move on, there, kid! Time is money, y’know! (Snow salutes him eagerly)
SNOW: Yes sir! (grabs Piyoo’s sack) Right this way, Miss Gottasecret! (they start moving toward stage right) That’s a nice looking mirror you have there!
PIYOO: (whispers angrily) Shaddup, stupid!!!!
SNOW: (oblivious) It looks just like one my stepmother has at home! Only hers doesn’t have a gag on it. (they exit stage right, with Reginald bringing up the rear)
SCENE FIVE: The Seven Dwarfs B&B, Room 13
(Snow, Piyoo and the Mirror enter at stage left; Snow mimes opening the door)
SNOW: Here we are! Room 13!
PIYOO: (looks around the room; grudgingly) Hmm.......rather plain......
SNOW: (nods) It’s no palace......I know; I used to live in one, but it’s really very comfy. I’m sure you’ll be satisfied. Now, there are fresh soap and towels in the bathroom, and there’s a mint under your pillow in case you get hungry before breakfast. Breakfast is in the dining room off the lobby at six o’clock sharp, so be careful not to cut yourself. (giggles; Piyoo rolls her eyes) Sorry! Just a little B&B humor, there!
PIYOO: (mutters) VERY little!
SNOW: (oblivious) If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable or pleasant, just call and I’ll be here in a jiffy. Have a nice day! (smiles sweetly and turns to go)
PIYOO: Well, now that you mention it! (Snow turns back) You’re such a pretty child, I’d like to give you something.
SNOW: Oh, that won’t be necessary! Besides, I have to split all my tips with the dwarfs.
PIYOO: Oh, it’s not a tip, my dear! It’s a gift! (rummages in her sack and pulls out a decorative comb) Here! (hands it to Snow and leers greedily)
SNOW: (overcome) Ohh!!!! It’s beautiful! But I really couldn’t take it; it’s much too expensive! (tries to hand it back; Piyoo refuses it)
PIYOO: What’s expensive? I sell the things! Think of it as a free sample.
SNOW: It’s awfully kind of you, but I really can’t.
PIYOO: Nonsense! Of COURSE you can! Look, you’ll be doing me a favor! Once people see how good it looks on you, they’ll be beating my door down to get them!
SNOW: (grimaces in horror) Oooooh! The dwarfs wouldn’t like that! Do you know how expensive doors are?!
DENIZEN: I think she means that she’d be getting lots of customers.....not that they’d be literally beating the door down. (Snow sees the light)
SNOW: Ohhhhh! (smiles) Well, in that case, I guess it would be all right. Thank you very much! (slips the comb in her pocket and turns to leave)
PIYOO: (panicking) Um.....Wait! Aren’t you going to try it on?!!
SNOW: (turns back) Sure! I just thought I’d wait until---........
PIYOO: (snarling) Wait, schmait!!!! Put it on now!!!!! (catches herself) I---I---I mean.....I can’t wait to see it on you!
SNOW: (giggles) Okay! (holds the comb up to one side of her head) How’s it look?
PIYOO: (bouncing with impatience) It....it looks very nice, dear, but don’t you think you ought to.....
SNOW: (changes the comb’s position) Or how about this?
PIYOO: (getting frantic) Fine. Wonderful. But you’re supposed to......
SNOW: (moves the comb again) Or this?
PIYOO: (snarling again) Not like that, you idiot!!!! Like THIS!!!! (grabs the comb and sticks it in her own hair; a beat as she realizes what she’s just done) Oh, booger! (collapses in a heap)
SNOW: (horrified) Oh, my gracious!!!! (quickly kneels by Piyoo, and pulls the comb from her hair; she sniffs it, and tosses it away, grimacing) Yeee-ouuugh! (pats Piyoo’s cheeks gently) Come on! Wake up.......wake up!
SNOW: You poor thing! You just had a TERRIBLE accident! (cradles Piyoo’s head on her lap) You know that comb you gave me? (Piyoo nods) Well! It was POISONED!!!!
SNOW: Yes!!! It’s lucky we caught it before it got someone killed!
SNOW: Well, when you get back on your feet, you’d better have a long talk with your wholesaler! Just imagine him peddling his poisoned combs on an unsuspecting public!
PIYOO: Just imagine.
SNOW: I mean! What if one of your customers had used it? You’d have gotten into LOTS of trouble!
SNOW: Now, let’s see how you’re doing here! (helps Piyoo to her feet and dusts her clothes off with her hands) There! As good as new!
PIYOO: (deadpan) Whooptidoo.
SNOW: Well, I’d best be going. If you need anything, just call! (turns to go)
PIYOO: Wait! (Snow turns back; Piyoo forces a smile) Look, you just saved my life.....
SNOW: (modestly) Oh, that’s all right! It’s nothing you wouldn’t have done for me!
DENIZEN: Yeah, right!
PIYOO: No, no! I insist! (reaches into her sack and pulls out an apple) Here!
DENIZEN: That, I take it, is the poisoned apple?
PIYOO: (snarling) Shaddup!!!! (Snow looks around idly, whistling softly and playing with her hands)
DENIZEN: I was just asking.
PIYOO: (furious) Well, YES it’s the poisoned apple, nosy parker!!! And if you MUST know, all the poison is in the rosy half!!! Any other bits of secret information you need to know right now?!!!
DENIZEN: (cheerfully) No, thanks! That’ll do. (Piyoo turns back to Snow, leering again; Snow gets back into character)
SNOW: (delighted) Oh!!! What a lovely apple! (takes it and slips it in her pocket) Thank you soooo much, Miss Gottasecret! I’ll save it and give it to the raccoon! (turns to go)
PIYOO: (stunned) Raccoon?
SNOW: (turns back) Oh, yes! There’s this big raccoon that comes to the kitchen door every night, and I share my supper with him. Just think how happy he’ll be to have a whole, beautiful apple, all to himself!
PIYOO: Well, actually, dearie.....I--I--I was hoping that you’d eat it now. Raccoons, you know, can always get a bite somewhere, but......
SNOW: Well, thanks, but I couldn’t eat it now anyway. My lunch break isn’t for another 14 hours.
PIYOO: (desperate) Oh, come on! Just a nibble or two so I can watch you enjoy it?
SNOW: (weakening) Welllllll........Oh!!! I know! We can share it! (draws a knife out of her apron pocket and cuts the apple in two)
PIYOO: (stunned) Share it???!!!
SNOW: (handing her the rosy half) YOU insisted I eat it.....I insist we share it!
PIYOO: But, but, but, but, but.........you should at least take the rosy half, dearie!
SNOW: But the rosy half is the best part! No, this half is good enough for me! (nibbles daintily; Piyoo stares at her half in resigned dismay) Mmm! Tasty!! Quick now! Before it goes all brown!
PIYOO: Right.......before it goes all brown.......(takes a bite of the apple and rolls her eyes heavenward) Why me, L---.......(keels over)
SNOW: (horrified) Oh, my GOODNESS!!!!! (slips the apple and knife in her pocket, grabs Piyoo and begins performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her; Piyoo spits out the apple, gagging and coughing) Goodness, Miss Gottasecret! This just isn’t your day!
PIYOO: (coughing) Yeah......not my day.
SNOW: (holding her comfortingly) First the poisoned comb, and then you choke on an apple! It’s a good thing I was here to help you!
PIYOO: (choking on her anger) Yeah.......good thing you were here. (pulls away from Snow and reaches into her sack) Look, I still wanna give you something!
SNOW: Oh, that’s quite all r---......
PIYOO: (bellowing) I SAID I’m gonna give you something, and I’m GONNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING!!!
SNOW: Okay! I’m sorry! (Piyoo breathes heavily a moment, collecting herself)
PIYOO: (calmer, but still panting) Okay.....look, kid.....I’m.......I’m sorry I yelled at you......it’s been a rough day, y’know? (pulls a long piece of lace out of the sack) Here.....nice piece of lace......even matches your dress.......
SNOW: Ohh!!!! It’s beautiful!!!!!
PIYOO: (leering) Here......let me try it on you! (steps behind Snow)
DENIZEN: You’ll be sooooo-reeeeee!!! (Piyoo glares at her and loops the lace around Snow’s neck)
SNOW: I used to wear lace all the time....back at home, I mean, but since I started working here, there just hasn’t been much GLAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Piyoo suddenly pulls the lace tight, trying to strangle her; Snow continues talking, barely audible) It seems....a bit.....tight......aaack! You don’t.......think......it.......ought........to be.......a little........ loose........er? Kkkkkk-klllllllllhhhhhhhhhh!!! (Snow slumps to the floor, unconscious; Piyoo starts dancing for joy)
PIYOO: I DID IT!!!! I DID IT!!!! She’s DEAD!!!!! She’s DEAD!!!!!
DENIZEN: (sourly) Congratulations.
PIYOO: Oh, HAPPY day!!! (goes to the Mirror and ungags it) Okay, Mirror! It’s answer time! Who’s the fairest one of all?
MIRROR: Well........it all depends on wh---........
PIYOO: (snarling) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIRROR: Oh.........you mean fair as in beautiful?
PIYOO: (seething) Yes!!!!! Fair as in beautiful!!!!! And by average human standards, especially as they’re measured in this kingdom!!!!!
DENIZEN: Doesn’t seem worth the trouble, does it?
PIYOO: You don’t know the half of it!!!
MIRROR: Hmmm.........you are.
PIYOO: (ecstatic) It’s ME!!!! It’s ME!!!! Hallelujah!!!! IT’S MEEEEE!!!!!! (launches into a victory dance; Reginald enters, stage left)
REG: Would you mind keepin’ the noise down?!!! We got other guests, you know!!! (notices Snow lying on the floor) Hey! What happened here?!
PIYOO: (still dancing; in a sweet tone) Hm? Oh, her! She just had a little accident, that’s all!
REG: How little?
PIYOO: Very little, actually! (gaily) She’s DEAD!!!!!!
REG: WHAT?????!!!!!!! (turns to the door and yells) Fellas!!!!! Get in here, NOW!!!! (the other dwarfs rush in, stage left)
BEAN: What is it?
HARRY: What gives?
LARRY: What’s happening?
JERRY: What’s the matter?
TERRY: What’s the buzz?
WILB: What’s up, Doc?
REG: Boys, there’s been an accident! (gestures to Snow) Princess Snow is dead! (dwarfs all scream in horror)
WILB: Holy Toledo!!!!!!!
DENIZEN: Yeah, she was a good kid, wasn’t she?
REG: Good, schmood!!! She was a princess!!! Do you have any idea how much royal funerals cost these days????
BEAN: More money than you make in a year!!!!
HARRY: More money than you can shake a stick at!!!!
LARRY: Piles and PILES of money!!!!!
JERRY: Truckloads of money!!!!!
TERRY: The most startling quantities of cash!!!!
WILB: LOTS a’ moolah!!!!!!!
REG: (almost in tears) Sheesh!!!! This could bankrupt us!!!! (turns to Piyoo, who has been victory dancing throughout, and shouts) DO YOU MIND????!!!!! We’re tryin’ to carry on a conversation, here!!!!
PIYOO: (gaily) Sorry! (stands still, giggling; Prince Bohnhedd enters, stage left)
BOHN: Excuse me......could I get some extra towels, please?
REG: (distracted) What? Oh, sure, sure.......Wiberforce, get the prince some towels, huh?
WILB: Gotcha, Daddy! (exits, stage left; Bohnhedd wanders over to the group curiously)
BOHN: What’s going on here?
REG: (still distracted) Huh? Oh.....umm......a little accident, that’s all......
BEAN: A mishap.
HARRY: An ill chance.
LARRY: A bit of ill fortune.
JERRY: Some unfortuosity.
TERRY: A bad situation. (Wilberforce hops onstage)
WILB: She faw down go BOOM!!!!! (hops offstage)
BOHN: (looking at Snow) What a shame.....she’s such a beautiful girl.
DENIZEN: Yes, she was.
PIYOO: (giggling) Not any more!
BOHN: Say! That’s a nice piece of lace she’s got on, there! (Piyoo freezes)
REG: What? Oh, yeah.....nice lace. Look, Bohnhedd, would you mind if we discussed this later? We gotta figure out what we’re gonna do here!
BOHN: (eyes glued to the lace) Sure.....sure.....you know, my mother would love that lace! Would it be all right if I took it? (Piyoo gasps in horror; the dwarfs suddenly smile)
REG: No prob, Bohnhedd! Ten bucks and it’s yours!
BOHN: (grinning) You got a deal! (whips out his moneybag and counts out ten gold coins) Here you go! (Reg grabs the money; Dwarfs huddle up around him and count it)
REG: Ten bucks even!
DWARFS: Whoooo-HAH! (Wilberforce hops on stage)
WILB: Hot diggety! (hops off stage)
PIYOO: (panicking) Now wait just a minute!!!! You---you can’t sell the poor child’s lace!!!!
REG: Why not? She don’t need it where she’s goin’!
PIYOO: (dancing in agitation) But, but, but, but, but! (Bohnhedd kneels and unties the lace)
BOHN: Don’t worry, lady! Won’t take a second. (stands up and runs the lace through his fingers) Hmmm! Nice quality. Mom’ll flip! (Snow moans softly; all eyes pop to her)
REG: Hell-oh! What gives here?
PIYOO: (dismayed) Oh, poop!!!
DENIZEN: (turns to audience, ecstatic) She’s not dead!!! She was just unconscious!!!
PIYOO: Oh, put a SOCK in it!!!! (Snow moans again, shifting; Reginald kneels by her)
REG: You okay, kid? (helps her to sit up)
REG: How you feelin’?
SNOW: (hoarsely) Okay, I guess........my throat’s a little sore.
PIYOO: (near tears) It’s not FAIR!!!!
REG: (sympathetically) Yeah, well, you’ve been through a tough time, kid. Look, why doncha’ take a little break before you get back to work, huh? Five minutes, maybe?
PIYOO: (bursts into tears) Oh, calamity!!!!!! Horrors! Terrors! Gloom and despair!!!
REG: Look, kid......while you were out.....dead, I mean......we kinda sold that piece of lace you had on. You don’t mind, do ya?
PIYOO: (wailing) Oh!!!! Oh, the HUMANITY!!!!!!
SNOW: No. I don’t mind at all.
REG: Good. Here’s your share of the money. (hands her a penny)
BOHN: Saaay! You’re even better looking now that you’re alive!
SNOW: Who are you?
REG: This is Prince Bohnhedd, kid; heir to the throne of Moronia.
SNOW: (waggles her fingers at him) Hi, Bohnhedd. (Bohnhedd smiles pleasantly)
REG: Bohnhedd, this is Snow White. She’s a princess, daughter of King Oph.
BOHN: You are??? I thought you were a maid!
SNOW: Well, I am, but I’m a princess by birth.
PIYOO: Why me?????!!!! Why ME?????!!!!!!
BOHN: Listen.......I’m not doing anything for the next couple of years......what do you say we get married?
SNOW: Married? To each other?
BOHN: Yeah! I’m a prince, you’re a princess......perfect match!
PIYOO: (sobbing bitterly) It’s not FAIR!!!!! It’s not FAIR!!!!!!!!
SNOW: Well.......(tries to stand; dwarfs help her; once on her feet she sways a little, but doesn’t fall)
PIYOO: Other wicked people get to win, but I never get to do ANYTHING!!!!!! (wails miserably)
SNOW: That’s very kind of you, Bohnhedd, but I think I’ll have to say no.
SNOW: Well, it’s just that I’ve been so happy here! I’ve lived in a palace, so I know what it’s like; this is MUCH more homey! Besides that, I’ve got a job now, so I’ve got my own money and a bit of independence......and the dwarfs are VERY good employers, and they’re such FUN to be around! (Wilberforce hops onstage)
WILB: Hop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-bang-BOOM!!!!! (hops offstage)
PIYOO: (weeping again) It’s........it’s unREAL!!!! That’s what it is!!! Unreal!!!! (sobs miserably)
SNOW: (touched by Piyoo’s distress) If you’d REALLY like to do something for me, would you please take Miss Gottasecret home? She’s quite good-looking under that cheap disguise she’s got on, and she’s VERY generous, too!
PIYOO: (whimpering) I hate her......I hate her.....I hate her.......I hate her......
BOHN: (disappointed) Well.......okay, I’ll do the Boy Scout bit. (takes Piyoo’s arm) Come on, lady!
PIYOO: (goes with him, still gibbering) I hate her......I HATE HER!!!!! I hate her.......I hate her......(they exit, stage right)
SNOW: (moved almost to tears) The poor dear! (a pause) I wonder who upset her so much? (shrugs and dusts her hands on her apron) Well! I guess I ought to get back to work.
TERRY: Peachy. (Wilberforce hops onstage)
WILB: Way to go, MAMA!!!! (hops offstage again; all the dwarfs exit stage left, except Reginald)
REG: Why don’t you get started in here? See if she left anything that’s worth anything.....you’ll get your usual percentage. (Snow salutes brightly)
SNOW: Right, Chief!!! (Reginald exits; Snow crosses to the Mirror) I guess this as good a place as any to start! (picks up the gag and uses it to wipe the Mirror)
MIRROR: (as dull as ever) Do you mind? That tickles.
SNOW: (overjoyed) Mirror???!!!! Is it really YOU????
MIRROR: The one and only. (Snow embraces the Mirror in delight)
SNOW: Oh!! It’s so GOOD to see you again!!!!! (starts looking through Piyoo’s sack)
MIRROR: It’s good to see you, too. I haven’t had anyone to talk to for ages......except for your stepmother. It’s such a boring life, hanging around a palace all day.......never going anywhere.......never seeing anyone.......
SNOW: (still searching) You poor thing!
MIRROR: (droning on) The most interesting thing that’s happened to me lately was this trip into the forest. And where did I spend my time? Hanging around in a bed and breakfast......not going anywhere......not seeing anyone......
SNOW: Well, don’t you worry! I’ll take you for a walk later on. (shoulders the sack and starts pulling the Mirror offstage) And I’ll talk to the dwarfs for you, too. You know? Like, maybe we could get you a job in the bathroom, or maybe in the bar? (they exit stage left; Denizen looks after them, shaking her head)
DENIZEN: (turns to the audience) Would you believe that THEY got married and lived happily ever after? Thanks for coming, folks! (waves and exits, stage right)